Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Things fall apart
Bitter tears stained my cheeks. I sat on a friend’s floor lamenting the heartache that was at the time reality. I had been cautious and I had made sure to do it all right. I over thought and carefully planned out each step. Let each person just close enough to control the end game. So, why once again did it feel like my heart had been ripped out of my chest? Betrayed by those closest to me. Someone had told me it was called being blindsided. Great! Thanks for the information! But in the grand scheme of things how did that help How would that make the tears stop and make me feel better? How would those seemingly stupid and ridiculous words be helpful? The truth, is I still have no idea what the end game was with that nugget of “wisdom” but I can retrospectively appreciate that the person that shared it was simply trying to help me make sense of it all and somehow make me feel better (side note: friends and family don’t always know what to say when we are in pain but remember that their intentions are usually to make you feel better . Try being patient too in those times).
So there I was broken and feeling like an epic failure. Ever notice how one thing seems to trigger and magnify all the other things that are “wrong”. Due to this one failure, I suddenly had a full length mirror that showed me how I wasn’t doing too well in anything. And therein lay the first problem, we are not a reflection of our failures and mistakes. We will never at any point be the sum total of our mistakes unless we choose to settle there. The mind operates in a way that I cannot fathom. When crushing on a guy, he is all you can think of all day any day. You live on the euphoria that is a possible future with Prince Charmington. On these days everything is great, the traffic doesn’t bother you. The wind is a gentle breeze on which the sonnets of Shakespeare ride and remind you of love that is epic. Your boss is not a nightmare; she’s just having a bad day and needs to be loved on. All is well because there is the prospect of joy to hold onto. But wait…. Stop…. And flip the script. Charmington says no. You have just been betrayed. The door slams shut. The room is musty and dark. You can barely think, let alone figure out left from right. The pain and hurt throb. Pounding on your skull and chest, threatening to tear you open. The breeze suddenly feels violent. It sends your skirts flying. It leaves your hair out of place and papers flattering everywhere. Your boss is the worst, expecting you to make a dollar out of 15cents. All expectations are too much. Unrealistic in all their ways! You are in the same existence yet nothing is the same any longer.
Amazing how the filter through which we look can drastically change the view isn’t it? I have had times I thought some really good and sound people a little schizophrenic on account of not understanding this simple truth- When clean water passes through a dirty sponge it will inevitably come out the other end dirty. The same applies to us and the way we handle our times of hardship and pain. When we choose for pain to be the window through which the light comes in it will come through dark and twisty.
So, what now?
Many of us have heard and maybe participated in the famous “Joseph and his techni-coloured coat” production. In love with the beauty of his coat and then later the joy of his ruling over all of Eygpt and politely passing through some of the very essential bits of the story.
• His brothers hated him. They sold him. This guy knew BETRAYAL
There are many things to hold onto yet over the years I have found one filter to be consistent. I am loved by God and He in His mercy will work all things together for my good. Looking through the filter of this reality I have come to find that the pain doesn’t magically disappear but neither does the hope. Firmly rooted in the one thing that is guaranteed never to fail I have found that weathering the storms is tough but possible. It is possible to see light in the darkness of our tunnels we just have to be willing to reach out to He who is the light of the world.